Mean Machine

I'm a big football fan having been going since the late 80's. In fact I'm that old I can remember when I stood up to watch the match and you had to piss where you stood most of the time. The problem with football themed movies is that they are almost always utterly tedious piles of turgid rubbish with exception of Das Wunder Von Bern and this movie, starring the modern day Gielgud, our very own Vinnie Jones.

Jones plays Danny Meehan, a disgraced footballer sent to prison. After coming into contact with violent screws, bent governors and the different cons Meehan begins to find his feet. The governor has other ideas for the new star in his midst and wants him to coach the screws team. the screws don't want this and warn Meehan that his life will be made a misery if he takes up the option. So Meehan offers the governor a Cons v Screws match as a way of working up fitness levels. The rest of the movie follows the build up to the big match and the game itself.

Prison movies are really hard to get right. You don't want them to become too realistic or they'd be dull. You don't want to ham it up too much or you'll lose credibility. This movie strikes just the right balance, with comedic touches and menace oozeing from some cons and screws. i can also state with no small amount of authority that it's depiction of British prison life is spot on.The ending is massivley uplifiting and it says something when this is the only movie that Danny Dyer is watchable in. Some of the characters are from the Big Book of Prison Stereotypes but that's a minor quibble to what is a fun film.

Wishmaster

The horror genre is a funny one, a horror comedy perhaps? It goes in cycles, from the monster features of yesteryear, to the Hammer horrors of the 50's and 60's and onto slasher films. Once they had waned a big move towards knowing winks back at horror classics with the Scream tongue in cheek style.

Wishmaster very much falls into that category and it's directed by one of the all time great horror auteur's, Wes Craven. We open this film seeing a Persian prince watching his people get tortured by a shady character in a cloak. A priest stops him, and casts a spell that traps him in a gemstone. Hundreds of years later we cut to America and an accident involving a statue falling on a man. The statue breaks open, revealing the stone which is half inched by a dock worker. it passes onto Alex, a gemologist who accidentally awakens the evil cloaked figure who is revealed to be a genie, or Djinn. This genie is not the one of fairy tales, this genie is evil as he uses wishes to steal peoples souls and to usurp this world for his own. The film then becomes race against time for Alex to stop the Djinn and his evil plot.

This film is notable for several reasons. Firstly it has a host of horror icons in it as supporting actors. We see Robert Englund, Todd Farmer and Kane Hodder who form a holy trinity of 80's horror stars. It also features superb special effects, with things like skeletons ripping out from their owners bodies, and statues coming to life. There's also a rich vein of humour running throughout this movie, and at first you find yourself uncomfortable with laughing at a guard being trapped in glass and then shattering but pretty soon you just go with it and enjoy the ride. That's where this film excels in my opinion. It does chill, and there scares but it doesn't take itself too seriously and there's a real sense of fun here.

Andrew Divoff who plays the Djinn oozes menace from every pore and does a fine line on leering and glowering. The oneliners he delivers are done so with glee and the rest of the characters here also have snappily written lines to deliver which they do well. Wishamster is quite unlike the modern run of horror films with their taste for toture porn and realistic gore. Those films seems to think they have some self important message for the world. Wishmaster has none of that, instead it's a bloody good and enjoyable horror.

Cloverfield

This is an interesting movie, a different take on the crash bang wallop monster blockbuster. This film takes it cue from Blair Witch Project in that it is all filmed from the protagonists point of view, via a handheld camera.

In this case, said camera is recording a farewell celebration for a New Yorker that is leaving for a job in Tokyo. Except the party gets interrupted by a rather large gatecrasher, an alien that proceeds to attack New York, a perfectly understandable sentiment. The film then cuts to documenting several of the partygoers as they first try to escape and then to rescue a mutual friend along the way.

This film is infused with a sense of panic and of helplessness among the partygoers. Perhaps this is informed by the events of 9/11 and the fact a lot of that was documented via camcorder. At first we see them cocky and confident at the party but then we see that facade crumble like so much cheesecake as the monster attacks their city. We see the soldiers using all their military might in an effort to beat the monster but it all comes to naught and they end up half destroying the city. I could take that as an analogy for the war in Iraq if I was in a mood to over-analyse a movie.

This film does make the faux-reality side come across as natural, as if it was real. This is done mainly by the actors making their lines flow naturally as if you think they're really there, that they're really fleeing for their lives. There's also a good couple of popcorn in the air jumpy bits which serve to further heighten the sense of panic. Although the characters come across as real they are really quite unlikeable and it's almost a relief when they croak. The pace of this movie is frenetic and your barely left with a moment to collect your thoughts, just as the protagonists aren't left with time to relax. This movie plays out in real time which adds to the tension. The monster is only really glimpsed every so often and there's no backstory to it which means the viewer is left to draw their own conclusions on whats going on.

This is a great movie, one that takes an interesting and different tack on the monster movie. Perhaps the camcorder style filming of it, which does get jumpy at times, might not be for everyone but if you persevere then this is a cracking movie.

Die Another Day

Britain is to be celebrated for many fine exports to the world, from democracy and civilisation to fish n chips and football. Perhaps the greatest of these exports is the spy, James Bond. There have been 22 bond movies, and this is the 20th. A few actors have portrayed the MI5 agent and everyone will have their favorite Bond. For my money it's Pierce Brosnan, who exudes charm and wit but also has and edge of violence to him.

This film differs quite a bit from most other Bond films, in fact all of them up to this point, in that Bond is captured early on and spends months in captivity in a North Korean interrogation centre. He was in North Korea to assassinate Colonel Tan Sun Moon, a rogue element of the army in that besieged country. It goes awry after Bond is given away by a traitor within MI5 and that's how James Bond came to be captured. Once he gets swapped for Colonel Moons aide we follow Bond as he unravels the mystery behind his capture.

We see action set piece after set piece, and the usual gadgets and beautiful women. Brosnan is his usual suave self here, in a role he is absolutely perfect for. The title music is also up to the usual standard and there are a couple of twists in the plot, that whilst not exactly Shyamalan in their complexity does add a frisson of surprise. There are also some superbly sneering villains that are very much in the rich tradition of Bond opponents. Given that this was a landmark in the series there quite a few nods to the preceding movies that Bond aficionados will pick up on.

As far as criticisms go, the only one I can really think of is that some of the CGI looks a bit rushed, a bit rubbish but that's not that big an issue as your too caught up in the storyline to really notice it too much. This is a cracking action film, spy film and a great addition to the Bond series. In fact, seeing as this is my blog and it's my opinion that matters, I'll go as far as to say that this is the best one in the series. Plenty of style, plenty of babes and plenty of spy based action. What more could you want?

Shanghai Noon

If I go back a few years, I would in the midst of the grip of my mania for Jackie Chan films. For the life of me I cannot recall where it started but I can recall where it began to wane. You would think a movie starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson would be a recipe for laughs and thrills. That's if you hadn't read this review first.

Chan plays a proud Oriental guardsman sent to bring a kidnapped Princess home to China. As he and his uncle plus some other guards bring the ransom money across America, they get waylaid by some bandits who shoot the uncle. Chan swears revenge and that's pretty much that. Along the way he hooks up with blond, louche and wisecracking Owen Wilson who basically plays....Owen Wilson.

The plot here, such as it is, is formulaic at best. You can almost predict what is happening before it actually occurs. The acting grates, the villains are one dimensional and the scenery is cookie cutter in it's stereotypical portrayal of the Wild West and the only good things in it are the action/fight sequences starring Chan, but then again, once you've seen one Jackie Chan comedy fight, you've seen them all. That brings me onto another bugbear of mine. Jackie Chan basically cannot act when talking English. It's almost painful to listen to him mangle his words.

This isn't an awful film, it's certainly not the worst film I have ever seen (hello 6th Day) but is certainly in the bottom 10. You wont need to know much more about this movie, aside from maybe either switching your brain off or perhaps pretending your a 15 year old boy. It wont ruin your life by stretch but at the same time, don't expect a satisfying experience. Watching this film is a little like shopping at Kwik Save whilst everyone else shops at Waitrose.

Predator

As a child, if I didn't have my nose in a book, I would be sat in front of a video. I wore out tapes like there was no tomorrow and I would love to escape into the world on screen. Given that I was born at the end of the 70's (yes, I know, I'm old) most of the celluloid icons I latched onto hailed from that 80's era of testosterone fuelled aggression, all rippling muscles and huge explosions. Arnold Schwarzenegger,the Governator, is probably the action star par excellence given that he was in such films as The Running Man, Terminator and Conan The Barbarian.

This film is perhaps not one that would appeal to the female of the species, being that it is almost unashamedly macho in ti posturing. We follow a group of special forces soldiers as they troop into the jungles of South America looking for some hostages. they find the camp, but their trip is cut short by an alien on the hunt, the titular Predator. The alien is remorseless and relentless and many other things that begin with the letter R as he hunts down and butchers the soldiers one by one. Much the same way as Jaws keeps the reveal of the monster until fairly late, this film does the same and we see the Predator through it's own eyes, we catch glimpses as it runs and jumps through the trees and we see it's eyes shimmer as it engages it's cloaking device. if you've never seent his movie before (under a rock were we?) you'll be left guessing which of the soldiers makes it and which ends up like a human shish kebab.

Interestingly, this film really does make you cheer the soldiers on, more so than in other action films. They really do seem to have knitted together as a team and you totally buy the fact that they lived and fought together for years. This adds to the fear running thorugh them as they die one by one and there are some genuinely touching moments, albeit drenched in machismo sweat. The final smackdown, between the remaining soldier and the alien is brutal,and rivals the final act of any other action film of that time. The writing here is well done, with just the right tone struck and some the lines are fantastic. Take Jesse 'the Body' Ventura's "i aint got time to bleed" classic if you don't believe me! The lines, in addition to being well written are sparse eneough to allow the macho posturing to take over at times. You really do feel the situation running out of control as the soldiers face up to a foe they can't have concieved of before.

This film is one of the ones that marked my childhood, one I would return to again and again and I still do. That, if nothing else is a mark of how good it is. Do yourself a favour and see this.

Witness

I seem to reviewing a lot of Harrison Ford movies don't I?

Anyhow, this film, released way back in the mists of time, or 1985 to be precise, follows Ford as John Book, a detective trying to protect a witness to a murder, and to unravel the mystery behind who killed the murder victim. Only problem is that the murderers know that Book is on to them AND they're also policemen. So Books only option is to take the witness into protective custody amongst his own people. Well I say only problem, the thing is that witness I mentioned? He's a small Amish boy and that community among which Book must secrete the witness, the witnesses mother and himself? It's a strict Amish village deep in Pennsylvania.

This film moves slowly, as we see Book at first recover from wounds sustained in the escape from the city and then adjust to life among the Amish. He forms relationships with the people and works alongside them. The boys mother and Book also form a relationship, but don't follow through on it. That for me is a highlight of this film. you can really sense the chemistry between them. There's one scene where Book walks along a corridor and spies the mum, played by Kelly McGillis, showering. The look of longing and unrequited passion that passes then is powerful as hell. They can't get together, no matter how much they might wish to because of she would be cast out by her community. After a while the killers track Book down and a shootout occurs at the Amish run farm. In the end, the Amish men come together to protect Book and repel the murderers.

This film isn't a thriller that has an action set piece every 5 minutes, nor is it filled with excessive violence or sex. Is it's a slow, potboiler of a thriller and is all the better for it. The scenery of Pennsylvania is a beauty to behold and the portrayal of of the Amish is, to my understanding, fairly sensitive. This is not a movie for those with the attention span for Transformers perhaps but is definitely a movie that thrills and moves. It is almost equal parts thriller and love story. This movie isn't shown on tv often and can prove a bastard to track down on dvd, in fact I got my copy on VHS when browsing a chairty shop. This film is worth the effort once you have found it however.

Dod Sno

We again return to the zombie genre with Dod Sno, or to give it it's anglicised name, Dead Snow. This is a movie, that just wins you over with it's premise. I mean, how can you not love Zombie Nazis? Quite obviously, this movie is subtitled so that might be enough to put some people off. it shouldn't though as this movie is a hell of a lot of fun.

We meet the usual Zombie fodder, in some attractive students. They're on their way to a remote cabin up on the Norwegian mountains and whilst there they first meet a camper who warns them of dire consequences if they don't leave. Needless to say they ignore him and get attacked by undead hordes of Schutzstaffel. There's only so many ways someone can get dispatched by a zombie so what's all important is the style in which the deaths are dealt with.In Dod Sno, the emphasis is very much on humour with a nice twist in fast paced scares. My personal favorite is the man who accidentally stabs his girlfriend in the eye with a screwdriver, mistaking her for a Zombie. Or the man who chops his own arm with a chainsaw whilst fighting off the undead, then carries on.

The scenery is beautiful, the characters are believable and likable which is always hard to do with a horror film and the action is fast paced but at the same time there's enough of a gap between scares to allow the tension to build. Unlike some horror films which just relentlessly batter you over the head with shocking imagery and gore, this one treats to some good old fashioned jumps, and a sense of impending doom. My only criticism is, that despite the eminent likeability's of the actors, their characters aren't fleshed out enough and there's no back story for the Einsatzgruppen undead.

That said, this is an imaginative and funny take on the Zombie genre, one which can run stale if not treated well. You just have to look at some of the substandard entrail munching movies out there to see my point. Dod Sno most definitely strike out on it's own and that's something to be thankful for. You'll get your quota of laughs, your quota of jumps and scares and you'll have a whale of a time. If nothing else, how can you not love a movie that has the tag line Ein! Zwei! Die!

Jason X

I love horror, and along with Zombie films I have a particular hankering for slasher films. It's the fact there's a sense of creeping dread, that you can almost try to guess who will get bumped off next and just how that person will croak. The most prominent slasher movie villains have superseded their prey and become more popular, almost iconic in stature. Most people can name the big three, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers and the star of this movie, Jason Voorhees.

Given the quick and nasty nature of shooting most slasher films, and the profits they generate, it's no surprise that studios flog them to death, in much the same way that the killers relentlessly slaughter their victims. This is the tenth in the series starring Jason and this one is set in space. Now I know that sounds like the writers had run out of ideas and you'd be right in thinking that but can Jason X carry the ridiculous premise off?

Well no, not really.The film kicks off with Jason chained up in captivity and some soldiers readying to transport him elsewhere. there's no explanation of quite how he was captured or why he hasn't yet seeing as he breaks the chains with consummate ease. He kills all the soldiers and the only survivor is a sexy female scientist who manges to set off a carbon freezing system that preserves both her and Jason. 500 years later and a group of students find the bodies, take them back to their starship and defrost like 2 two turkeys, an apt analogy for this film. Of course, Jason quickly resumes his murder spree, killing everyone aboard the ship, which along with the students, includes a group of (stereotype alert) tough space marines. The only survivors at the end are the sexy scientist, a male student and the head of a android. The films final scene is of Jason's body crashing into a lake on Earth 2 which hints at a thankfully unmade sequel.

I know that slasher films aren't meant to be art, and I know that the acting will never win Oscars for the thespians within but this film, sucks on so many levels. First of all, the writing is almost cringe worthy and the characters are dislikeable enough to make you want Jason to kill them. The music grates and the set design and special effects are unremarkable and the deaths, with one notable exception that uses liquid nitrogen and a face being smashed into a table, are boring. That's almost a crime given that the more grisly and inventive a death is in a slasher film, the better. There's a sense of tongue in cheek humour throughout this but it's not enough to rescue it from being easily the worst of the franchise. It's not a film that ruins your night or makes you question your own sanity, it's just one of those sequels that's utterly pointless and makes you wish the studio had never made it.

Monsters Inc.

Those that know me best would be able to describe me as a big kid. I basically stopped maturing at about age 10. I still find farting funny and I still love animated films. About the best studio for these is Pixar which, as I understand it, is a sort of offshoot of Disney.

Monsters Inc, which i have just finished watching is about those scary monsters we were all so afraid of when we were little kids. In this movie they scare kids in order to capture their screams which in turn power their town. Sulley and Mike are our 2 leads here, Sulley is big and hairy and Mike is green and has one eye. Round where i live they'd be considered normal but in Monsters inc they form the best scaring team and are approaching the record for numbers of screams until a small kid sneaks in through one of the doors and ends up in their world. See, whilst they elicit screams from the kids, they, in turn, are petrified of the little mites.

The rest of the film is a comic caper following Sulley and Mike as they first overcome their fear of the wean, who goes by the moniker of Boo and then try to return her to her room. Along the way they also have to contend with a rival, Randall who wants to use Boo as a guinea pig for his invention that rips screams from kids. As our heroes go on their journey, they grow attached to Boo and Sulley in particular forms a strong bond with her.

That's where this film really shines. it has a real warmth to it, a brilliant sense of love and emotion that shines through in every frame between Boo and her protectors. There are moments in the film, both when you can feel the walls coming down and then at the end when Sulley briefly scares and then has to say goodbye to Boo where one has to wipe away a tear. not that this film is a pure tearjerker, not at all. There are moments that make you laugh out loud, like when Mike briefly improvises a song and dance routine.

In keeping with all the Pixar films, the animation is rich and compelling with every frame detailed beyond belief and you can almost feel the care and attention that must have gone into it. For example, Sulley, who is covered in blue-green fur? You can see the individual hairs moving. The voice actors in this are superb and unlike in other animated movies, I didn't find myself trying to work who was playing which part, I just went with it, they were that good.

Monsters Inc leaves you with a warm glow inside, it's a real feel good flick. This is a film that kids will eat up and adults will love as well. i can't recommend it enough, it's easily my favorite animated movie, at least until we get a new Wild Thronberrys effort! (kidding!)

Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

Sometimes a movie character comes along that grabs at ones attention, delves so deep into your psyche that they make an indelible mark upon you. As a movie obsessive I have a few characters that have done to me, from Freddy Krueger to Darth Vader to Frank Drebin. However, at the top of this list is none other than the eminent archaeologist Dr Indiana Jones. Hard to believe isn't it?

Part of the attraction of Jones is the fact that things don't always go his way, that he will, on occasion lose out, albeit temporarily. Harrison Ford is superbly cast and there's an aura of heroic, everyman charm about him which drives each movie. In this, the first of the four movies the archaeologist and history professor ends up hunting the Ark of the Covenant and has to contend with nefarious Nazis as well as his arch rival treasure hunter, Belloq.

I wont go into the meat and potato's of the plot as I rather suspect most of you have seen it by now. However I will ruminate upon some other parts of this movie or else this post would pointless. The love interest here is Marion, played by Karen Allen. She is quite unlike most other leading lady types. For example, she isn't your typical damsel in distress who screams down the place (I'm looking at you Willie Scott) and she's certainly not playing second fiddle to Indiana Jones.

The villains here, as i said above are mostly one dimensional Nazis with the exception of Toht, an SS torturer type sent to recover the Ark, along with Belloq, a French version of Jones. Toht is spectacularly, lip smackingly evil here. It's easy to hate him, and Belloq? Whilst slightly effeminate he does a good line in being bad but you wish he would man up a bit.

The action scenes thrill and scare in equal measure with the fight on the aeroplane followed by the truck chase being the highlights. A sticking for me though is that the historical aspects, are somewhat skewed but given that this is a thrilling movie, is a minor quibble.

A few minor criticisms aside this film rocks along at a fair pace and no matter how many times you see it it still has the power to capture your mind and imagination. Harrison is superb as Jones and unlike most heroes he someone that you could be, someone you would want to go for a drink with.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark is a superb movie that is almost perfect for those lazy sundays in front of the telly.