Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

As I have said before, Indiana Jones was a cinematic hero of mine when I was a child, and the last film, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is easily on my fave films list. I've yet to review it but bear with me. This movie, was released in 2008, a full 19 years after the previous outing for our whip and wise cracking archaeologist.

Indy escapes from some pesky Russians at the start of the film and also narrowly escapes a nuclear blast at Area 51. We then cut to the college and Indy in his guise of a professor. He meets up with a motorbike riding young man and after yet another brush with the Reds they set off a quest to find out what has happened to a mutual friend and what a mysterious crystal skull and some aliens have to do with it all.

I had really high hopes for this film but maybe I should have learned my lesson from The Phantom Menace. This film is entertaining enough but it falls far, far short of the high standard set by all 3 previous outings, even Temple Of Doom. There are plus sides to it, like the pace of the storytelling not sagging and there are a couple of moments that make the hairs on your arms stand up but this movie is one that was released for no other reason than to cash in. I understand that a fourth film had been planned for years and should have come out not long after The Last Crusade but this effort just feels rushed.

A lot of what is in this movie was in one of the other three and that just smacks of laziness to me. Just for a short checklist to prove my point, and this is by no means an exhaustive list, here's some of the derivative tosh. The monkeys that Mutt swings along with in the trees? Those are the same species as the one from Raiders. In fact the chase sequence that bit appears in? That was in both Raiders and Last Crusade. The bit at the end where the heroes escape the temple by way of the water? Temple of Doom.

I could go on and on with that list but there's also the fact part of what made the previous movies so enthralling was the fact that the object that Indy was after was rooted in the real world. This time round he's after a crystal skull that has connections to some aliens. To me that's too much of a departure from the previous films. Also, the main twist in the film is blindingly obvious and some of the writing grates. The villains are lazy stereotypes of Russians and their leader, played by Cate Blanchett, comes straight from the Keanu Reeves school of non-acting.

This movie wont stomp all over your childhood dreams like Phantom Menace but neither will it seem like a worthy addition to the series. All in all it seems unnecessary and bodged. I hear that a fifth movie is in the pipeline. I sincerely hope they make a better job of that then they did with this.

Shanghai Knights

I've never been a man who learns from his mistakes easily and boy oh boy, did I ever fall prey to that here! This is the sequel to Shanghai Noon, a previous 'comedy' action film starring the laid back Owen Wilson and barely comprehensible Jackie Chan. That particular film was an irritatingly crap piece of cinema, the film equivalent of stubbing ones toe.

You would hope that this film improved on the original but unbelievably it's actually worse. This time Wilson's character is in New York and Chan's has somehow become Sheriff in Carson City. Chan's father is killed and the gruesome twosome rush to London where Chan's sister has sworn vengeance on their fathers killer. There's some nonsense about am Imperial Seal and a plot to kill the Royal Family and along the way the two (and then 3 when they meet up with the sister) meet Charlie Chaplin, Arthur Conan Doyle, Jack the Ripper and other assorted lazy Hollywood stereotypes of Londoners.

The main villain, who plots the downfall of Queen Victoria so he himself can assume the throne is so one dimensional he could have come straight from a book. The other Londoners on show are either stuck up toffs with barely a brain cell between them, gurning Cockney villains or maidens with black teeth. This movie is damned offensive to us Londoners! Come to think of it, this movie is offensive to anyone who actually enjoys being entertained.

There are plot holes and leaps of logic a-plenty here and whilst the movie is of an undemanding length you'll be left thinking 'why on earth have I just watched that tripe?"? Do yourself a favour and avoid this film, there are plenty of others that do mindless buddy action so much better than this piece of puerile trash.

Zombieland

Zombie films, whilst being a part of the horror genre, can be categorised into one of two sub-genres themselves. There's the zombie film that's played for scares and the one that's played for laughs. This movie falls very much into the second category.

Columbus is a college student who survives the zombie apocalypse by following his very anally retentive set of rules which make reappearances throughout the film. He hooks up with Tallahassee, played by Woody Harrelson, a redneck who survives by.... being a redneck! Tallahassee spends much of the film searching for his Holy Grail, a Twinkie bar. Along the way Columbus and Tallahassee meet up with Wichita and Little Rock, two sisters who before the zombies arose made their way by ripping off gullible men and they continue on their merry way here.

Our little group form a family of sorts, something which all them in one way or another had missing from their lives before the apocalypse. As they make their way across America, or Zombieland as it is referred to in the movie, they trash a trading post, dispatch Zombies in increasingly inventive ways and meet up with a rather famous person. That cameo, which I wont spoil, is easily one of the funniest things in this movie or any movie. This whole film had everyone in the cinema rocking with laughter and that's quite some achievement. The writing cracks and fizzles, the pace is hectic and there are touching and emotional moments amongst the laughs and gore. As well as laughs and occasional touching moments there are also moments that will have you whooping with glee, like Tallhassee's battle in the Fairground.

You totally and utterly buy into the 4 main characters, none of which use their actual names, instead they refer to each other by the names of their hometowns. Jesse Eisenberg is excellent as the nerdy Columbus, Woody Harrelson is fantastic as Tallahassee and the sisters are played by Emma Stone who manages to show a mix of toughness and vulnerability. Her sister is played by Abigail Breslin who is a revelation. Whilst in this film she is still obviously a kid she has a tough exterior but you do see glimpses of the child beneath if that's too Sidney a way of putting it.

This movie plays with your emotions, running the gamut mentioned above from amusement to fright to emotional jerks. This is not a zombie film of the like that Romero would do, rather it's a balls out and brazen ride through a wasted America. It's easily my favorite zombie film, and fits into m top 10 of fave films of all time and I can give it no higher praise than that.

Creep

I like horror, with my tastes running to slasher films and zombies. Sometimes I will branch out into some of the more extreme versions of horror but for the most part they leave me cold. A bonus of being a horror fan is coming across the occasional gem of a horror movie, and this is one of those. It's also a film that will have added scares for anyone who travels on the London Underground.

We meet 2 sewage workers, who discover an abandoned tunnel.. They decide to explore but they get attacked by something that was lurking down there. We then switch, rather abruptly, to a party in a house and Kate, a German woman who decided to head away from the party. She jumps on the tube but falls asleep waiting for her train and to her dismay she is locked in. That's when her REAL trouble starts and she gets stalked by the same thing that attacked the sewage workers, one of which survived and is locked in a cage. Several other people are dispatched in increasingly grisly and graphic ways, with a homeless woman being given a home made abortion and her boyfriend being beheaded. Suffice it to say that our German girl is the only survivor but at the end there is a truly haunting shot of her slumped on the station platform, bedraggled and exhausted and the first commuters of the day mistaking her for a homeless person.

This is not a film for the faint hearted, nor is it one you should watch just before taking a trip on the Underground. This is nasty, scary and at the same time, a brilliant horror film that does exactly what all horror films should do, it scares the bejeezus out of you. There are moments of gore but the overarching tone of this movie is of terror 'creeping' up on you, that terror that comes from not knowing what's going on or what is coming after you. The monster is only revealed fairly late on, and even then we only glimpse him through the flickering glimmer of a failing lighter which adds to the tension and heightens the jumps. The tone of this movie is grim but at the same time, that's exactly how it should be. I understand that this movie was inspired by (or ripped off!), an earlier English horror film called Death Line but this is one horror film that achieves scares and jumps in equal measure AND tells a good story.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

Sometimes movies, like music or your favourite t.v. show, can be something of a guilty pleasure, one that you know you should hate but cannot bring yourself to decry. On the music front I have a liking for the techno group Scooter which my sister derides at every opportunity. On the guilty pleasure movie front it will have to be this particular gem.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around Sylvester Stallone's cop being visited by his elderly and interfering mother and the havoc that ensues. The mum is played by Estelle Getty and she takes to the part with much gusto. It's also quite good to watch this movie through the eyes of an adult, seeing as this film is now nearly 20 years old. I first saw this at the cinema when I was about 14 and I was blown away then and watching it back, it's funny as hell to see the early 90's fashions on show, also quite sobering seeing as I used to wear some of those horrendous shell-suits!

This isn't a film that's demanding, it's not exactly a high-concept thriller. The writing isn't exactly polished, and some of the lines and jokes are almost painful to hear. The acting is wooden and there's are gaping plot holes all over the place. However, you get the impression the actors involved know full well they are in a film destined for cinematic turkeydom and therefore ham it up for all they are worth. As I have said, this was never a movie destined for the Oscars but what it does do very well is leave one with a feeling of warmness and fulfillment. It's the celluloid equivalent of hot chocolate, something to cheer you up after a crappy day.

Robocop

As I have mentioned before on here, I spent my childhood as I am spending my adulthood, either reading or watching movies. I could reel off now a list of movies that I would return to time and time again as a kid. These are the sorts of movies that imprint themselves upon you to the point that you can almost memorise every word, every frame and watch the movie in your head.


Robocop is one such movie. It's the tale of Alex Murphy, a good, honest cop in Detroit who gets gunned down in the line of duty. Instead of croaking, the suits at the company that now runs the Detroit police department decide to use him in an experiment to make the perfect cop, one that doesn't need to eat or sleep. Once they've made their Robocop he goes out onto the streets and starts making arrests. However they didn't erase all of his memories and he starts getting flashbacks which results in him going off a revenge trip against the villains that attacked him. However, these villains are in with the second in command of OCP, the company that made Robocop and as such there's conflicts of interest. Well I say that but you could just say that the second in command at OCP is a twat.



Which brings me onto something interesting. You could almost see Robocop as a Jesus type figure (stay with me here). After all Murphy dies a horrific death so there's your crucifixion. He then gets resurrected so there's your Easter and at the final confrontation he walks across a shallow pond, giving the impression of walking on water. the number 2 at OCP? Well if you take the top man as G_D, you can take the rebelling number 2 as Satan and given that the final scene is of him being shot and falling out of a window on a skyscraper then that's him being cast from heaven.

That may be a bit of a stretch but this movie is definitely one that stands up to repeat viewings. The cast is perfect and whilst it can look a little dated now it certainly does have the capacity to thrill and entertain. None of the lines in here feel forced and the heroes are spot on and the villains are splendidly hateable.

Looking back on it now this film is surprisingly violent and gory. There's a memorable scene in which a criminal is flung into a vat of toxic waste and comes out melting! This film also has a tendency towards satirising America at that time with great big factories left empty and mass unemployment leading to huge crime waves. I think what I'm getting at it is there's a really nihilistic feel to this movie, an almost fascistic tone to the proceedings. This isn't a movie for the faint hearted, but it is a damn good sci-fi film that is almost equal parts social commentary.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

It's this movies fault, this is the one that kicked off my obsession with the Zombie sub genre. I had picked the DVD on the off chance it might be a decent watch and I was proved so very right. We open with an attractive young nurse making her weary way home after a long shift. Everything seems normal on the surface and she gets back to her home and snuggles with her husband.

Come the morning however and things are very, very different. Her husband wakes up to find a blood soaked young girl in their room and he gets bitten by the little cow. He then turns into a zombie and attacks the nurse. Said nurse escapes and heads out of town. She teams up with a cop, played by Ving Rhames and they make their way to a shopping mall where they meet further disparate survivors. Once there they have to figure out what they're going to do to survive this apocalypse.

Whilst the original was a commentary on the rampant consumer culture in America at that time, this version takes a different tack. This is more about how different people from very different backgrounds knit together and make a community or family of sorts. That could be taken as an allegory for the insular and selfish nature of life in the modern age. This film has a very stylish and modern feel to it and the music score? Superb! It really helps the movie along and adds a sense of dread and at times light relief.

As with other zombie films, the actors here aren't well known, with Ving Rhames being about the best known of the lot. To me this is a bonus as you want your zombie films to make you think you could be there, and that's hard to do when you see Tom Cruise having his innards chewed on, as nice a thought as that may be! As with other horror films, you end up having people you want to see die and you have the ones you want to survive. In keeping with the Zombie tradition though, the film ends with an abrupt volte face.

This film blew me away when I saw it and it still has the power to hold me now. The writing here is first rate, making the action engrossing and engaging. There are moments that pack a real emotional punch and there's your quota of scares and full on gory moments. The director, Zack Snyder, decided to take a faster, more intense tone with this remake, and you can see that shining through in each and every frame of this cracking movie. As I said at the start of this interview, Dawn Of The Dead kicked off my love of the undead. It's not my favorite zombie movie, that honor belongs to Zombieland, but this runs it a very close second.

Star Wars : A New Hope

I don't know why I've held off on reviewing this film for so long seeing as it has had a huge influence on my life, more so than any other film. As a child I would pretend to be the different characters with an emphasis on Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin. It probably says a lot about me that I would identify with the villainous characters first and foremost!

I think that by now everyone has seen this movie and knows the plot and dialogue and all that inside out and back to front, I know I certainly do! Essentially this a simple Good Guys v Evil Empire battle set in space. That's the simple view of it but this film is so much more than that. It's a coming of age story with Luke the farm boy yearning for adventure. It has a roguish pirate type in Han Solo and a damsel in distress that isn't all she seems in Princess Leia. The villain in chief in Darth Vader is one of the all time great baddies and his reveal at the start is awesome as he strides through the smoke of the doomed blockade runner. As we all know, Luke comes good and destroys the Empires Death Star weapon, with the help of Han Solo but we also see that Darth Vader survives, setting the scene for the sequel The Empire Strike Back, of which another time.

The dialogue is almost wince inducing at time but it works somehow. The special effects were wondrous for it's time but they have been bettered since which is not surprising given that this film is now 33 years old. For their time however they were groundbreaking and today they still hold up. The characters could perhaps do with a little more depth but then again this is not a film intended to compete with the likes of The Godfather. This movie is one that captures ones imagination for the run time and beyond. Just look towards the massive merchandising, including countless video games and novels. This film has left an imprint on my psyche and there can be no higher praise than that.

Wishmaster 2 : Evil Never Dies

The first Wishmaster film was a box office success which inevitably means it is sequel time. This movie opens with the Djinn trapped in his gemstone which itself has been re-interred in a statue. However some burglars awaken him during a botched robbery and the Djin does his best to make sure all hell sets loose.

This time, instead of granting 3 wishes to the original waker, an improbably sexy woman, the Djinn sets forth to garner 1001 souls. He does this by taking credit for the robbery, so that he can get sent to jail an therefore have easy pickings when it comes to desperate souls before he can go after the original waker. Once you get over that, this film follows the same formula as the first. That's not such a bad thing but you do wish the film-makers had used a little more imagination.

The effects are as good as in the first movie with a special glee given to an apocalyptic scene set in a casino. How can you not love a roulette wheel rampaging round and severing limbs? Or cards flying out of the deck so fast they behead someone? Whilst Andrew Divoff is again excellent as the Djinn, the rest of the cast ain't exactly up to much. Some of the lines are painful and there's not much of the fun of the first movie. Perhaps that's because we had already seen the first and knew what to expect. This still mixes the horror action with a sense of fun but this feels like a slightly anaemic version, a Diet Wishmaster if you will. The first film told a stnad alone story, and if perhaps there had been a wider theme to tie in then this film would have been better but thats all a bit moot now.

That doesn't make this a bad movie, you'll still get your jumps, you'll still get your enthusasically gory special effects and you'll get the laughs as well but, much likesleeping with a previous partner, it just wont be as good as it was before.

Con Air

There are action stars that are obvious action stars like Jason Statham and Hugh Jackman. Then there are action stars that are, not conventional shall we say. Right here I am thinking of the star of this movie, namely Nicolas Cage.

Con Air is the story of Cameron Poe, an Army Ranger sent to prison for killing a guy whilst protecting his wife. Seven years later Poe is freed and hitches a ride home on a plane transporting prisoners across the country. Things go awry however and Poe is left trying to save the day and make it through the madness in one piece. Things go tits up because the cons, led a fantastic John Malkovich hamming it up as Cyrus the Virus have hijacked the plane.

This movie is two hours of non-stop action, thrills and spills. We have fantastically defined villains in the Virus, Diamond Dog and Billy Bedlam, who are brilliantly over the top and we have a quirky yet wholesome hero in Poe. This movie rocks along and whilst you have the aforementioned villains to boo and heroes to cheer you also have a fantastic, knowing sense of humour. Cyrus the Virus in particular is one of the best screen villains, leering and evil but also strangely like able. Cage is a revelation as Poe, you totally buy into the character. My only criticism would the somewhat mawkish sentimentality at the very end of the movie but that's a very minor quibble to what is a fantastic movie.